Letters in the Void

I write my pain to release from the ruins of grief

The ghosts of disillusioned love
still haunt me;
a sharpened pressure in my chest
refusing to soften.

This ache demands escape.

I write
to raise the sorrow
anchored in the abyss of my ribs;
screams forced to silence.

I write
for every opened wound
unable to heal;
a story suffocating to be known.

This is a purge
of every moment my heart collected
grief and false hope;
pain it can no longer contain.

In the void,
I write to be free.

THE VOICE OF PAIN

TO MY YOUNGER SELF

To my younger self,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for all the times you believed
you weren't good enough.
I'm sorry for all the choices you made
before you knew there was another way.
I'm sorry you had to carry everything
alone.

I'm sorry for the groundhog days
you spent hating yourself.
I'm sorry for the blame handed to you
that was never yours to hold.
I'm sorry for the lies they imprinted on
you
screaming,
you're worthless.

I'm sorry for letting
you believe you were
a burden, a failure.

I'm sorry for wishing
the worst
upon the worst
for yourself.

I know those words
replay in your head on repeat
like a never ending horror movie
and how hard you fight to press stop.

I'm sorry for making you believe
you have to shapeshift or run
the moment conflict arises.
I'm sorry for sabotaging
every potential,
every glimpse of serenity.

I'm sorry for harming your body
with poison and reckless choices.
I'm sorry for giving you away so easily,
for thinking maybe, just maybe
this one will see me
and want to stay.
I'm sorry for not listening
while you were screaming
don't leave me.

I wish I could go back
and hold you.
Tell you that what happened
in that house was never your fault.
I wish I could go back
and tell you that you were always
enough as you are.
I wish I could go back
and tell you that you never
had to earn love or prove your worth
for people to stay.

I wish I knew then
what I know now.

I'm sorry.

FORGETTING

I remain
haunted by their absence,
wondering
how was I so easy to forget?

Hope slips further away.
A reminder
of how much time
I have left.
Surely, I must be living
someone else's life.
A sim, an experiment,
a celebration I was never
invited to.

Every connection
a reminder,
that I end up
alone.
Used.
Discarded.
I don't think I was made
to be loved,
but rather
to give love away.

Tell me,
how many times
can a heart break
before it forgets
how to beat?
Because I think mine
is forgetting.

I wonder,
is this what
life had planned for me?

TEMPORARY SHELTER

Alone, yet steady.
Awaiting arrival.
Hope and doubt,
fog of sadness.

Quiet footsteps,
knock, knock.
Eyes lock,
pitter-patter.
Guest or resident?
Unchain the door.

Cautious, wait—
slowly offer.
fuck it.
Take my heart,
rip it out.
Devour,
bleed me dry.

Departure.
No return,
to mend the wounds.
Gone.
Easily, effortlessly.
I was
intended prey
all along.

Not a home,
a fueling station.

I am
temporary shelter.

RIP IT OUT

Soft,
in a world
that hunts me.
A hungry wind
with sharpened knives.

I want to rip it out;
the softness within me.

Last letter

On my mind.
On my mind.
Again
and again.
Face in my hands,
wondering,
"when will this end?"

It's been a year and some months,
yet still,
you find your way in.
Your essence hides
in song;
a lyric, a melody,
embedded within.

A pulse,
once rhythmic.
When hope burned bright.
Now, the static
we used in code
has merged into
permanent background noise.
A hum I can't turn off.

How do I admit
I'm still undone
by someone I never met
in the physical plane?

How do you grieve
a person you never held?

How do you explain that the
deepest cut
came from someone in the digital world?

Now you are here,
just like you planned.
But instead of with me,
you're with her instead.
A shoreline I can see
but will never reach.

Some days I'm steady,
clear-headed.
Certain I did the right thing.

I tell myself that I left
because I had to.
Because I began
to hurt in places
that hadn't yet healed.

Other days,
I question myself.
Was I strong,
or just afraid?
Was it timing,
or just the way
things were meant to be?

Sometimes I wonder
if meeting you
would have ended
just as painfully.
Or maybe,
it would have saved us.

We only existed
in possibility.

And maybe that's why
it still hurts.

There was no finality.
No last glance.
No waves
or hugs goodbye.

Just a screen,
a silence,
a decision.

I am learning
that seeing signs
and reminders
doesn't mean I should wait.

It just means that what I felt
was real.

We never said the words...
but I felt it,
deeply.

I felt it in the pauses,
in the plans,
in the hopes and the laughter.
In the way my day felt incomplete
until I heard your voice.

Time heals pain
is a lie.
It only transforms into something else,
and hurts a little differently.

Your loving girlfriend
was my wake up call.
Closure of the chapter I held open
longingly,
wistfully.
Now I stand in another stage of grief,
wondering how to turn the page.

I know I have to move on,
as you have.

I hope she gets the version of you
that doesn't hide.
I hope you're softer
and more kind to yourself.
I hope joy finds you
and never lets go.
I hope your laughter travels
to the moon
and brightens the lives of others
as it did mine.
I hope life
feels more aligned.

You will always live
in a sacred space of my heart;
a place I still visit,
~~though less often now~~.
all the time.
Maybe one day,
I'll learn how to leave.

Without my valentine

I don't want flowers
and candy,
but I might draw
some hearts.
Everyday,
not just
commercialized ones.

No fake sentiments,
enough of the clichés.

Show me some depth;
the boring, the mad,
the hurt and the fun.
Tear me wide open,
and look in my eyes.
What do you see?
Tell me,
what do you see?

My mirror of light and dark,
of the grey in-between,
of everything unseen.

Let's run wild,
laugh at the mess
while we give the bird
and set ourselves free.

Cosmic DREAM

Almost summer,
when I saw your name.
Read your words,
in a sea of voices.
More curious,
by the day.

And then it happened.
I saw you standing
by the trees.
Covered in ocean-sky.
Curls on your face,
eyes hidden.
A true
Scorpio rising.

I became moth
to a flame.

That moment unlocked
and stirred
something deep within me.
Like an imprint;
a core memory
of an agreement when we'd meet again.

Floating in dreams.
Unfaded.
Unsure of what it means.

The only part I know,
my heart
still belongs to you.

tethered

Birds above
Earth below
Flame within
Tears without

Roses black
Blood and bones
Misted meadow
Surroun-dead

Heart beats,
I look around.
She's nowhere to be found.
Wake me up
from this nightmare.
Close my eyes,
re-activate sight.
I'm not ready
to say goodbye.

Drift away
to clouded-dreams
where I'd rather live
in this fantasy.
If only for a moment
to see her again.
Trying to understand
what it all means.

Banshee wails
Siren screams
Veiled bride;
caged,
waiting to be freed.

Imperfect and fractured;
human.
Blame;
ego.

Let it go.

Now fly away,
to death.
The path
of new beginnings.

Like Yin and Yang;
opposite
yet
balanced.
A feeling,
an understanding
unlike any other.

The heart wants
what it wants.

Tracing a sideways
figure-eight
Starting to wonder
if the signs are real.

Tethered
or
Make believe?